Octavian

Octavian, my stepson, would have turned 32 today. Basil and I miss him terribly.

I wish we had gotten to spend more time together. I wish he had gotten to come with us to Denver, to Tucson, and along to our new life in Europe.

I wish Octavian had gotten to meet Dad. While Dad never pressured me to have kids, he told me when I was in college that he looked forward to having grandkids. He would have adored Octavian. Octavian loved to read. Dad, a person who received detention in school for reading a book not related to the class he was sitting in, who have delighted in sharing this passion with Octavian.

Octavian was also a gifted artist. Dad loved to sketch and paint, even though I don’t think he would have classified himself as particularly good at either. Dad was always looking for someone to illustrate art for his most recent science fiction writings, and I dream of a reality where Octavian is giving Dad cover art for his next book.

Octavian had a delightfully dry sense of humour. He loved MST3K, as did Dad. I think Dad would have enjoyed being introduced to other comedy favourites of Octavian’s, including Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!

I think of a world in which they are both alive. I can imagine Octavian sitting and reading books in Dad’s study, as Dad sits at his desk top computer, writing his next story.

I think of them in tandem often. Maybe this is because it makes it easier to put some shape to the incredible depth of loss that is Octavian not being here to share in my and Basil’s day to day. It is easier for me to think of him and Dad spending time together and knowing each other, than imaging how all of the thousands of meals, dozens of trips, movies, and concerts, and all of the other things Basil and I have missed him through – how much better those things would have been with him there. Octavian is always missed and it is impossible to begin to demonstrate how much.

I think of him every day.

Love you Octavian.