A Memorial, An Anniversary, A Birthday, and a Wedding Part II: Beer on the Tracks

Posted On December 1, 2018

“I figured out what I am getting Basil for an anniversary gift!”

I was talking to Aunt Terry on car speakerphone as I drove through farmland somewhere in Ohio, on my way to Columbus after a week onsite at a client for work. It was early September: I scanned the oak trees on the sides of the highway for signs of fall, but so far their leaves remained an optimistic summer green.

“Oh! What is it? No doubt something he will love,” Aunt Terry assured me.

I proceeded to tell her about the Cuyahoga Valley Scenic Railroad and their Ales on Rails and Grape Escape programs. Basil loves trains and they were holding an event on the day of our anniversary that was going to feature beer from our favorite Columbus-area brewery Brew Dog. I knew the leaves would be changing color by then and the train line would run right along the treeline. We could spend the night in Cleveland: it sounded romantic but not too hectic, which is our sweet spot as a couple.

“I can’t wait to tell him!”

“Of course you can’t. You love him so much.”

Aunt Terry asked at least once a week after that if I had told Basil about the surprise train ride yet. I never imagined I would never get to tell her how much he loved it.

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Basil is, not surprisingly, an amazingly thoughtful gift giver. He remembers big things and little things that people mention liking, wanting, or being interested in. Being a talented artist and creator, he makes many amazing gifts: cookies and cakes in your favorite flavors. Being a talented bargain hunter, he gifts unexpected and unique treasures, like a purple vintage Christian Dior fountain pen in its original box or a 1960s Old Tucson studios shot glass.

Basil is also a great gift receiver: he is ever gracious and delighted when he knows something is a genuine gesture of giving. I know this in my heart, and yet whenever I am finding him something for a birthday or other special occasion, I still fret about finding something as wonderful as I believe he deserves.

The big train trip reveal came a day and a half after Aunt Terry died, when we were beginning to plan her memorial services with Jan. Although we would never have held the memorial on our actual anniversary, we had been discussing the day before or day after, and so I told Basil about the surprise trip to Cleveland I had planned. As I did, I thought about the train tickets and the anniversary card I had so carefully selected, sitting in a drawer in my desk at home.

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The month of October had been a planned month of celebrations for us prior to the loss of Aunt Terry: our wedding anniversary was on the 13th, Basil’s birthday a week and a half later, and the wedding of my friend Shanna about a week after that. Then we added the previously unplanned celebration of Aunt Terry’s life.

The thought of going anywhere to have a good time seemed so frivolous following an intense week of getting things in order for Aunt Terry’s memorial service, and yet when we arrived in Cleveland on the afternoon of the train ride, I was glad we had planned to go. Aunt Terry loved celebrating things and she loved Basil, so I felt confident she would not have wanted us to forgo it.

We went on the anniversary train ride/beer tasting and had a wonderful time. We had good conversation with our other train riders and the whole car sang us a happy anniversary song. Basil’s birthday was low key: we went out to dinner at Portia’s Cafe, our favorite Columbus restaurant and the site of Basil’s marriage proposal, to celebrate.

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About two months before Aunt Terry died, there was a period of about six weeks when she was out of the hospital and physical rehab and was living at her best friend Jan’s house. Aunt Terry’s friends came over all the time to see her and we visited as well. Many people, me included, would bring her bottles of Pigoudet rose, her favorite wine. There were brunches with Forever Forty, a group of teaching friends named after Public School 40, where many of them originally met. And there were dinners with us, lovingly made from scratch by Basil or lunches we brought in from Sun, the Burmese/Thai restaurant where Aunt Terry used to always want to meet us.

Aunt Terry loved to celebrate and see her friends. We worried if it was a good idea for her to be having wine as part of her rehabilitation regime. But I wasn’t going to pester her about it. And now I am extra glad I didn’t: if she hadn’t taken the time then, there wouldn’t have been any time left.

I endeavor to always be a loving and appreciating spouse. Basil and I have agreed we will take an “Every day is Valentine’s Day” approach to our relationship, in that we won’t wait for a few special days decreed by Hallmark each year to celebrate each other and our love. But celebrating anything in wake of having lost Aunt Terry seems harder and sometimes antithetical to how I am feeling. So in some ways I am thankful our anniversary and Basil’s birthday were in October, bookending Aunt Terry’s memorial. It reminded me in the midst of my grief to stop and celebrate my wonderful husband and our wonderful lives together. Aunt Terry surely would have wanted us to remember that.