All Apologies

From the time I was a very young child, if I apologized to my mother for something, her reply would be:

“Don’t be sorry, be careful.”

My mother’s retort is a phrase skillfully designed to terrorize the apologizer by implying whatever bad thing that had led to the apology could have been avoided if I, the apologizer, hadn’t been such a fuck up.

I found this response very frustrating. It made me feel like no act of contrition would be good enough to win my mother’s forgiveness. (Taking the long view, this certainly seems to be how things turned out.) Maybe this method would have led some kids to give up on apologizing all together. But not me: I continued to apologize to my mother when I was sorry for something I had done, for mistakes that I made. And every time she’d say the same thing back to me and then I’d feel stupid for saying sorry and would still feel bad about whatever I was apologizing about.

Whether it was due to my mother or other parts of my socialization growing up (low self-esteem, a streak of perfectionism), I got into the habit to apologizing for all sorts of things, all the time. I absolutely believe in apologizing when it is truly warranted, but until I met Basil, I had made a practice of apologizing for all kinds of things. I was sorry that I overcooked the pasta. I was sorry I hadn’t gotten around to cleaning the bathroom: my week at work had been so busy. I was always sorry to have to bother someone when I needed to ask them a question.

When Basil started to point out how many things I was apologizing for that didn’t warrant an apology, it made me begin to pay attention to the word “sorry”. I realized the tendency to apologize for everything was also tied to my self-confidence. I didn’t want to get in people’s way, and I didn’t want to cause a fuss and I always wanted to be kind to people whenever possible. I thought saying “I’m sorry” would help convey what a non-threatening and easy-going person I was. But when I started listening to what I was apologizing for, I realized I was devaluing myself by constantly implying I was making such a large volume of mistakes in my day-to-day existence that I needed to be sorrying the days away. Constantly apologizing for myself also devalued the act of apologizing. If I said I was sorry for accidentally dropping a cup or for asking a question, the same apology seems inadequate when being used for a time when I have truly wronged someone.

Reining in my tendency to apologize too much has increased my confidence and has led to me being more articulate about what I am feeling and what I want. Instead of using an “I’m sorry” as a crutch for any situation, I now undergo the following thought process:

1. Do I actually want to apologize for what I am about to apologize for?
2. If not, why did I have the urge to apologize? What do I really want/need?
3. Given this information, what word(s) should I actually use in my communication?

I think about habits of apologizing frequently at work. Now that I have spent years breaking myself of the habit of apologizing for everything and focusing on only offering genuine apologies when they are actually due, I quickly detect my old habit of over-apologizing in other people. I often see this tendency in high performing individuals who are dealing with challenges in cultivating their professional confidence. Since I have the privilege of being in a supervisory role, I now always take the time to gently point out this habit to these individuals. I let them know whatever minor thing they are verbally chastising themselves for does not warrant an apology. Just as Basil had to point this out to me several times before I changed my habits, I usually have to remind these individuals multiple times not to over-apologize before a change in their behavior takes places. Over the course of a few months, they often adjust and, unsurprisingly, a boost in their confidence level also often appears.

How do we identify things we should not apologize for? These things can include:

• Things we have no control over
• Asking a question
• Having a need
• How we look
• How we feel
• Not knowing the answer to a question

This blog post by Sharon Martin has excellent examples of things you can say besides “I’m sorry” when an apology isn’t warranted, including:

• Thank you – Thank you for your patience.
• Unfortunately – Unfortunately, this wasn’t what I ordered. I asked for no cheese.
• Excuse me – Excuse me, I need to get around you.
• Omitting any qualifier all together. (Instead of “I am sorry, I have a question,” just say, “I have a question.”)

I find it is part of striking a balance in being kind to ourselves while also being kind to others.